Permanence
PermanenceThe world is always what it has been
Everything is always permanently temporary
But in so few magic words you had said
"There is some permanence in the meantime isn't there"
In one instant the world was transformed
Everything -is- temporarily permanent
If it lasts one hour, one day, or one forever
I shall enjoy the joy of that one unit of time
One stretch of time at a time
And if I live to look back from where it ends
I shall look back with happy memories
Each moment at a time
Venus Speaks
18-Feb-2007
posted by VenusSpeaks @ 7:00 pm PERMALINK
5 Comments:
Okay. First off: You asked for some critical thinking upon your poems [Google Blog Group], and so I thought I come by and read. Here's what struck me as I read:
I like the thoughts in this poem, but, there is a static, disconnect, I feel in the writing.
There are some fixes, I could suggest, but I don't want you take this the wrong way: My intention is not to re-write your poem; the poem is your, to be written any way you'd like. What I'm presenting, I suppose, are things which popped into my head as I read your poem (another way to say this, etc..it would be crisper, so forth). Granted, these are small changes, but I believe they can give you an "example" of what I'm talking about when I say "disconnect" for the reader.
1.] But ("in a few magic") words..
2.] I shall ("embrace") the joy of that one ("small"~~this picks up on the "few" above) unit of time [here, add ":", at the end of "time~~Indicates, "what follows..etc, for the single, standing line.]
3.] drop: "And"~~begining w/"If" is just fine; then: ~~I live to [here, you use the words, "look back"~~the word, "gaze", immediately, came to mind, as a substitute: It picks up, in a half-ryhme way, upon the "day" (in line #7)
Over-all, Venus, I'd say, this poem is thought provoking, and has some challenging, and very Buddhist thinkng within it. I love the poem. Hope you don't mind my "fixes"~~they are, as I said above, just suggestions.
One of my blogs is a poetry blog. I welcome your comments~~and fixes, of your own. (My other blogs, are kind of "naughty," so beware (blush!)
Take care, and happy writing.
xx,Cain.
Ummm..guess I confused the hell out of you.
(sorry)
~~x~~,cain.
THANK YOU, Cain, very much. Your much thought-out help has been greatly appreciated. I left a comment on your site.
Venus Speaks
:) (your welcome)
xx,BB.
jvcI liked the mood infused through your use of words, always a very imprtant part of writing.
Have you looked at my poetry club?
http://kingpoets.com
you will find writers there far more schooled than me to give advice, it's a nice happy family of fun poets. You'd be very welcome.
Graeme
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